Men in a Box
by A Denial
Summary: I took Gambit, Wolverine, Cyclops and Pete Wisdom, and put them in a box. As you can tell, the plot is pretty organic. I honestly think you should give this a look-see cos it's a one shot, just a chapter long. I just wanted to see what would happen here..


(The scene shows Logan lying in his bed. He has just been woken up.)

Logan (muttering to self): Who the hell's in my room at (checks watch) four in the mornin', talkin' an' laughin'? Some stupid sonnavabitches who want to die, I guess. (Rolls over in bed to face direction sounds are coming from.)

Logan: Lebeau! Wisdom! Are you sick of life already?? What the hell are you playin' poker in my room at four o'clock in the mornin' for?

(Remy and Pete are sitting in a corner, playing cards. They are noticeably drunk. They look up, astonished)

Pete: What the hell d'you mean, your room? Thish ishn't y'r room.

Remy: Yeah, y're in de game room.

Pete: And how you brought your bed down here without ush noticing ish what'sh bothering me. (Looks at Remy) We haven't drunk that much, have we?

Remy: Not 'nough t' imagine a fat lump like 'im (gestures towards Logan). It takesh a lot o' bottlesh t' imagine de hairy li'l mountain man.

Snikt

Logan (jumping off bed, charging towards Remy,): Stupid Cajun! Wakin' me up at four in the morning ta call me a hairy mountain man is the last mistake you'll make!

(Grabs Remy by throat.)

Remy: Shee? I tol' y' we weren't imaginin' him. (pats Logan on the nose.) Shee? He's real.

Pete: Wait a shec, this isn't the game room.

Remy: It'sh not?

Logan (Distracted): I told you, it's my room.

Pete: No it ishn't.

Logan (Looks around, sees four blank walls, and a blank ceiling and floor making a 15x15 foot room. His bed has disappeared): What? What is this place?

Pete: Well, it'sh not hell, cosh me and the Frensh wouldsh be burnin' right now, right, you bloody Frenshman?

Remy: Dat'sh right, you shtupid British shlimeball. (both start laughing.)

Logan (muttering to self, ignoring the other two): I know, this is a Mastermind trick; he is making us think that this is happening, although it isn't really. This is all an illusion.

Remy: Hey look, you two, it'sh our fearlesh leader. (points to Scott, who has somehow appeared as well, sleeping in his bed.)

Logan: Where the hell are his goggles?

Remy: Beatsh me.

Pete: I think Piotr broke them. I think I shaw him shtep on them.

Remy: Y're just shaying dat cosh y' hate Piotr.

Pete: Yesh, but you shee, the goggles are mishing. Sho why couldn't Piotr have stepped on them?

Logan: Shut up, both of you. (Goes to Scott, pats him on the head.) Scott, wake up. This is an emergency. Wake up. (shakes Scott by throat.) Wake up, idiot! I don't want ta be trapped in a room with two drunkards!

Remy: Dat'sh ush, ishn't it?

Pete: That'sh right.

Remy: I don' know 'bout y', but I'm not sho drunk as I sheem. (Gets up, tries to walk, falls into chair.)

Remy: Shee?

Pete: Yeah, me neither. Butsh my feetsh don't want me to get up. Itsh not cosh I'm drunk, acshually.

(Logan succeeds in waking up Scott.) Logan: Keep yer eyes closed, Scooter.

Scott: Huh? Logan? What is it?

Logan: Apparently, we are all trapped in some kind o' box.

Scott: We?

Logan: You, me, Remy and Pete.

Remy: Hello, Shcott. hic

Scott: The three of you are drunk in my room? What time is it?

Logan: Aint ya listenin'? We are in a box of some sorts. An' I'm not drunk, the other two are. And yer not wearing yer visor, so don't open yer eyes. Plus, it's four in the morning.

Remy: Y' call me _drunk?_ (Grabs chest theatrically) Y' hurtsh me, right in de heart. Et tu, Logan? Den fall...den fall, er, whatever my name ish.

Logan: Ignore them. Now, are you completely awake? (Scott nods head) Good, then I need you to blast a hole in the wall. (positions Scott's head.) Now, when I tell ya, Slim, open yer eyes.

Scott: If Pete hadn't broken my goggles, I'd be able to see right now. Is my bedside table in the room?

Logan: No, why?

Scott: My visor would be on it.

Remy (aside to Pete): Y' dumb bashtard! Y' broke de gogglesh!

Pete (aside to Remy): Yeah, I wanted to blame it on Piotr. It'sh a mashter plan to get him thrown out. But shh. Don't tell anyone.

Remy (sounding impressed): Dat'sh a good plan, a good mashter plan. But how will it work if ev'ryone knowsh about it?

Pete: That, my friend, ish the part of the plan I'm working on.

Logan: Okay Scott, open your eyes. (Scott opens his eyes and shoots a blast at full power.)

Scott (after closing eyes,): Did it work?

Logan (Goes up to wall, examines it.): Nope, not a mark. I'm telling ya, it's a Mastermind trick. I'm going to prove it to you.

(Logan steps away from the wall, takes a deep breath and walks into it, expecting to go through. He bangs into it.)

Logan (holding nose): Agh! Shit! My dose!

Scott: What happened?

Remy (laughing hard): Short and Shtupid jus' banged 'is fashe into de wall.

Pete (sobering slightly, and laughing harder): Hey man, you're looshing control; shee, you're charging the bottle you're holding.

Remy (looks at bottle): Oh, sho I am. (throws bottle away. It hits the wall as it explodes, making a very loud sound.)

Scott (opens eyes in surprise): What was that? (his optic beam hits Logan in the groin at full power.)

Pete (thinking clearly): Logan, stay calm.

Logan (grabbing groin): Ahhh FUCK! Oh shit! You sonnavabitch! You sonnava black-faced, butt-kissing, baboon whoring, big-assed Bitch!

Pete: Okay, never mind Logan. Scott; _you_ stay calm.

Scott: What did you call me? And WHAT did you call my MOTHER??

Remy: De mountain man ish shoo screwed! (falls back laughing)

Pete (still thinking clearly): Remy, we have to stop the fight.

Remy: Aren't yoo drunk ash well?

Pete: Drunk, yes, shtupid, no. I know trouble when I shee, er, see it. Sho – so, I'm trying to shtop being drunk.

Remy: Shtupid yoo.

Scott: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?? (opens eyes, narrowly misses Logan, who jumps out of the way)

Logan (moving about so he doesn't get hit,): Er, Scott, calm down.

Remy: Shee Shcott, Logan isn't mad. He knows dat it'll grow back, jusht like his eye.

Logan (Still moving,) (to Remy): You, I'll take care of as soon as I can.

Scott: Remy, where is he??

Logan (still moving): You tell him, and I'll make you and Rogue sisters, instead o' a couple.

Scott: Remy, tell me where he is, or I'll burn yours off like I just burned his. And yours won't grow back.

Logan: Slicing is more painful.

Scott: Burning is.

Pete: Man, you X-men are so sick-minded. I see the reason for the 'X' in your name now.

Logan: Who died and made you sober?

Pete: I'm trying hard to think clearly.

Remy: It makesh no differensh t' yoo.

Logan: C'mon, Scott, I've been wounded, an' I'm not mad. Why are ya so worked up?

Scott: You insulted my mother! (opens eyes, narrowly misses Logan again.)

Logan: It was in the heat o' the moment, Scott. Ya know I didn' mean it!

Scott: It's always in the heat of the moment, isn't it? Just like before.

Logan (astonished): I never insulted yer mother before... wait a minute, (eyes narrowing, still moving about) this isn't about your mother, it's about Jean!

Scott: ...yes! Yes it is! All those stolen kisses, all those passionate moments! I just wanted an excuse to burn you out of my life!

Pete (aside to Remy): Where the hell did THAT topic come from?

Remy (shrugging): When doshe two look at each other, it's de firsh' t'ing dey t'ink 'bout.

Logan: If you weren't so bad at doing it, she never would have come ta me!

Remy (leaning forward, a thoughtful expression on his face): Thish ish sho much like Jerry Shpringer. I'm shoo intrigued.

Scott: You stole her! She was mine!

Logan: You were so effeminate; she told me she felt like she was the husband!

Scott: You must be hypnotizing her! She could never be attracted to a little mountain goat like you, with your lice, and you monthly baths!

Logan: Oh yeah? She probably told you ta take the birth control pills!

Scott: Well, it _was_ me who she married! How's that for true love, huh short and prickly? She married me, you stupid smelly cactus!

Logan: You think everything is fine in your marriage? You're more of a dumbass then you look. And believe me, you look like a major dumbass. Ya should've heard what she said 'bout you.

Scott: Oh yeah? What did she say about me? What stupid tale will you concoct now?

Logan: It aint a tale, bub. I overheard her laughing about ya with Ororo and Rogue, about yer inability ta maintain an erection. Yeah, she compared ya to the Energizer Bunny. She said that instead o' coming, you just keep going and going!

Scott: She said that, did she? I bet you're going to also say that she slept with you?

Logan: I cannot tell a lie.

Scott: Oh yeah? And how was she supposed to find it in all the hair? I bet it's been a while since you saw it yourself. It's like a big bloody forest down there, isn't it?

Logan: It's big enough to come out to play, bub.

Scott (snorts): Yeah right. We all know how long it takes you to assemble for a mission when you're in your room. And the strangest sounds come from your room, but no one comes out with you. Either you're doing the Invisible Woman, or you're doing it on your own, and anyway, Reed Richards hasn't contacted us. I feel sorry for you; you can't even get a hooker. And you were downloading porn the other day, weren't you? Like some snot-nosed fifteen-year old. You know what I think? I think Mister Logan likes his thing so much; he won't let anyone else touch it. Assuming he can find it, that is. Either that, or he just can't get some.

Logan (lunging towards Scott): That's it! Die, asshole!

(Scott waits for a second, and then opens his eyes to hit Logan right in the chest. Logan falls on top of him, unconscious.)

Scott (pushing Logan off himself,): It's soo satisfying when a plan comes to fruition exactly like you wanted it to. Okay, Wisdom, what's the situation here? Pete? Oh great, he's passed out.

Remy: I'm shtill awake, Sh-Shcott.

Scott: You? You're much drunker then he was, right? How are you still awake?

Remy: Yeah, he had like half of what I had. I guesh he jus' has low tol-tolerance.

Scott: Actually, I've yet to meet anyone who can out-drink you.

Remy: Yeah. Not even Logan can, ash far ash I know. We only had one contesht, sho I can't be shore.

Scott: Speaking of Logan, I think we should get out of here before he recovers consciousness and kills me. Do you have any ideas, Rem?

Remy: How 'bout, I jus' pass out until we get out?

Scott: Remy! I need you to be my eyes! And time is something I don't have... we don't have.

Remy: We?

Scott: Yeah, he was threatening to kill you too, remember? He'll probably kill you right after me.

Remy: Yoo know? Yoo shound right.

Scott: C'mon, help me.

Remy: Okay, fine, what do I have'ta lose?

Scott: Great! Describe this...box.

Remy: It has shix grey walls. No shorry, four grey walls. An' a sheilin' an' a floor.

Scott: Just plain walls? Nothing else?

Remy: Yeah.

Scott: No doors or crevices, not even a little crack?

Remy: Yesh. Now shtop ashkin' de same questions again an' again. It's shealed shut.

Scott: So we're trapped?

Remy sarcastically: Mon Dieu! Shcott, Remy do believe y're a geniush! We _are_ trapped.

Scott equally sarcastically: Thank you, Remy. As usual, your sarcasm is greatly appreciated.

Remy (distracted): Wait, a timer'sh appeared in de opp'site corner.

Scott: ...And?

Remy: It'sh counting backwards from two minutesh and thirty sheconds.

Scott (alarmed): Does it look like some sort of bomb?

Remy: No, It just looks like an egg timer (looks closely) It _is_ an egg timer.

Scott: So something will happen to us at the end of the two and a half minutes?

Remy: I guess so.

Scott: So I guess we wait till then.

Remy: Okay.

Scott: Are Logan and Pete still out?

Remy (looks): ...yeah.

Scott: So should we talk about something for two minutes?

Remy: If you wan' to.

Scott: Okay.

(A minute passes in silence.)

Scott: ...Tell me one thing, I was just wondering,

Remy: Hm?

Scott: About the presentation you made to the class yesterday, about contemporary pop music...

Remy interjecting: An' how it sucks,

Scott: ...Yes, and how it sucks; Anyway, Jean told me about the mistranslation you made.

Remy: Oh, dat. It was Spanish. I tried to transhlate it t' English, for de studentsh. You see, I had 'eard a similar phrase being used by Multiple Man. Dere was dis battle in which he said 'Hijo de Putain!'.

Scott: And that means?

Remy: 'Son of a prostitute', but you shee, I got the words mixed up. I thought Hijo was prostitute, an' Putain meant son, because dere'sh another language where Putar means son. After class, Jean was kind enough t' ell me dat Putain is proshtitute, and Hijo is Son.

Scott: You just assumed all this without asking anyone?

Remy: Look, I had had a bit too much t' drink de night before, so I wasn't too partic'lar about whether it was right or not. It just sounded proper, so I tol' de class what I thought de translation was.

Scott: So you just decided to tell the class that there was a band of three women, who had released an album entitled 'Prostitutes of the Tomato.'?

Remy: It was Spanish! Anyone can make a mishtake in translatin' Spanish. An' besides, 'Daughters of the Tomato" makes less sense.

Scott: It's okay, there's no need to get defensive. I was just wondering why you said something like that. Now, has that timer counted down yet?

Remy: three...two...one...yesh, it hash.

Scott: I don't hear an explosion.

Remy: Dere wasn't any, but we now have company. He came like a magishun. Poof! Outta de bloo.

Scott: Company?

Stryfe: Hello, daddy.

Scott: Cable? You never call me...daddy.

Stryfe: Neither do I, but I did, for added villainous effect.

Scott: Stryfe! You're behind all this, you sonnavabitch! (opens eyes, blasts around randomly)

Remy: Hey, hey! Scott, y' idiot! Dat nearly hit me, Logan an' Pete, but didn' come close t' him. An' besides, if yoo think 'bout it, he's not a sonna_va_bitch. He's a sonna_ma_bitch for yoo. In fact, yoo should call him 'clone of the sonna_ma_bitch' if yoo wan' to insult him properly.

Stryfe: Er, he's drunk, isn't he?

Scott: As tipsy as a sailor. It gets so damn annoying, I'm telling you, don't talk to him when he's...chug-a-chug (Scott's brain starts working) Die, you sonnamabitch!

(Starts to jump off bed with eyes closed, falls and knocks himself out, with his feet still draped on the bed.)

Stryfe: Dear old dad. Never thought he'd be so unreasonable. Never even listened to what I had to say.

Remy: Yoo wanted to talk? I didn' think yoo were capable of dat.

Stryfe: Has it occurred to you that I could have killed you both, without even breaking a sweat? Scott with his eyes closed, like a meditating _Buddha_, and you too drunk to hold your next bottle?

Remy: You came here to talk? In this box? When dey cloned yoo, dey musht'a left out a few brain cellsh. We've been tryin' t' get out for 'bout an hour. We're shtuck here, yoo shtupid ashwipe.

Stryfe: Let me say this slowly, so your drugged brain, which currently has an IQ level of _three_, down from your normal level of _thirteen_, can understand; I was trapped in another box, just like this one. With three others, just like you people here.

Remy: Who was dere?

Stryfe: Cable, Quicksilver and Forge.

Remy: Is Nat'an dead?

Stryfe: laughs No, we decided to devote our energies to getting out of the box. He was there for a few minutes before I came there somehow, and he had already discovered that he could not escape, even with all his power. So we agreed on a truce until we escaped.

Remy: How come the others aren't here with yoo?

Stryfe: Let me speak, drunk little man. We discovered that both our combined powers could not bust us out of the box either. Quicksilver was next to useless, so I asked Forge to create an ecape route. The idiot managed to produce an egg timer from somewhere, and he combined that with a bit of mine and Cable's armour, shavings from the psimitar, and Quicksilver's belly-button lint, as well as other, sicker stuff.

Remy: Now if yo think 'bout it, yoo shtill haven't anshwered my question, so why are yoo calling me a drunk li'l man? Yoo are shtuck up, yoo shtupid candidate for de wors' dressed villain of de year!

Stryfe (controlling temper): Let me finish, and I promise I will take care of you when are out of this confounded box, and not before that. Tempt me, and I will kill you right now.

Remy: ...okay. We'll 'ave a fight when Remy be more sober.

Stryfe (aside): Not that it will make much difference...

Remy: Anyway, how did yoo get here?

Stryfe: Forge created something out of all that crap, and said it was a portal out of the box. He said only one person could use it to escape. I think he was suggesting that we draw straws to see who would use it, when I activated it.

Remy: Dat was shelfish of yoo.

Stryfe: We villains are not supposed to have consciences. You should try not having one, sometime. You'll find it makes your life much easier. Although in this case, I came out of one box into another one. One with my darling _father_ in it (makes smashing motion with hands.) When I get my hands on Forge, I'll...

Remy: Yoo'll hav'too get out first.

Stryfe: Oh yeah. You sidetracked me, idiot. Now, to get back to this matter of us being trapped in this place, have you people tried getting out?

Remy: Yeah, Shcott tried blasting the walls, but it didn't work too well.

Stryfe: If Scott couldn't blast it apart, I don't think anything can. I think he's supposed to be able to blast apart Adamantium as well, right?

Remy: He is, acshually. yawns homme, yoo try to get out of this place. I need t' sleep on a hangover.

Stryfe: Before you sleep, tell me, have you tried to charge the wall and make it explode?

Remy: No.

Stryfe: Just try it right now, and then you can sleep.

Remy: Okay.

(Remy walks unsteadily to wall, puts hands on it, and charges it up.)

Remy: Now what?

Stryfe (Telekinetically jerking him back,): Move so it doesn't blow in your face, idiot.

(The wall glows bright scarlet for a few moments, then fades to its normal grey.)

Stryfe: Huh?

Remy: Okay, dat didn' work. An' now I need t' shleep. (Goes to bed, pushes Scotts' legs off, lies down and goes to sleep instantly.)

Stryfe: What did the wall do? (walks over and starts examining it.)

Logan (grabbing chest): Owww. (gets off ground, notices Stryfe) Stryfe! I won't kill ya if ya help me kill Cyclops. (jumps on the unconscious Scott)

Stryfe: Wait, I may need him to get out of here. (uses TK to stop Logan in midair, then turns and continues to inspect wall)

Logan: I don't know what yer playin' at by protectin' Scott, but I should tell ya, hangin' me in midair is in the top ten of my list of 'things to kill people for.'

Stryfe (still thinking of how to blow up the wall): Indeed?

(makes Logan spin round and round slowly, still in his jumping pose, while inspecting the wall.)

Logan: Okay, now yer just below Cyclops an' Sabertooth on my list of people to kill.

Stryfe (Still inspecting wall, trying to figure out how it did not explode): Hm?

(makes Logan spin slowly from top to bottom, like a Ferris wheel.)

Logan: Congratulations. You've made it to the top o' the list. As soon as one of the others wake, an' distract you long enough to drop me, I'm gonna make ya look like a Picasso paintin'.

(Scott stirs.)

Logan: Ya might be stupid for protectin' Scott, and he might be mad at me, but he's gonna kill ya, if I tell him yer here,

Stryfe: He knows.

Logan (grinning): Then what's the problem?

Scott (sits up): Remy?

Logan: Scott, Stryfe is on your left! Ten o' clock! Blast him!

Scott (opens eyes, shoots a full blast, narrowly missing Logan)

Logan: Oi, shit-for-brains! I said, on your left! I'm on your right, asswipe!

Scott: I know. (turns to look approximately at Stryfe) Stryfe, I won't kill you if you help me kill Logan, or wait until I do.

Logan: WHAT?? FUCKIN' TRAITOR!!

Stryfe: Er, before we all try to kill each other, can I tell you that I just want to get out of here? So if we pool our energies, we can leave, or if you want, I'll leave, and you people can stay here and have a blood bath or something.

Scott: Okay, truce, until we get out.

Logan: No fuckin' way.

Stryfe: What about an Adamantium battering ram?

Scott (catching on): Yeah, it might work.

StryfE: Okay, let's see.

(rotates Logan until his head his facing the wall.)

Logan (looking at wall): Ohhh no, oh, no way. No freakin' way.

Stryfe: Ready?

(Scott nods)

Stryfe: Here we go.

(Logan is jerked back, and flung forward into the wall. This is repeated three or four times.)

Logan: Aoow! Okay, truce! Until we get out, truce!

Scott: Good. Did his head make an impact on the wall?

Stryfe (releases Logan, makes sure he won't attack, and goes to inspect the wall.)

Stryfe (surprised): It did, but the mark is fading. It's like the wall has a healing factor.

Scott: Well, I used optic blasts before you came here. Why didn't they do any damage?

Stryfe: Neither did Gambit's biokinesis.

Scott: Do you suppose the wall absorbs energy?

Stryfe: It could, but that would take Shi'Ar technology, or celestial tech.

Scott: Interesting. So we'll have to bash our way out?

Logan: If anyone even suggests usin' me as a batterin' ram once more, I'll forget the truce.

Scott: How did you get here Stryfe?

Stryfe: I was teleported here by Forge, when I was in another box like this one. Now who could be behind this?

Scott: Maybe Apocalypse?

Logan: Apocalypse? What the hell for?

Scott: He might have put us all together to have us kill each other off. You know his stupid 'survival of the fittest' doctrine.

Stryfe (incredulously): They made _you_ Field-Leader? What for? The brains you keep hidden in your ass?

Scott: Huh?

Logan: He's right, Summers, Apocalypse isn't stupid enough to believe that four of the X-men would kill each other.

Stryfe: Yeah, Cable and I were in another box, and we actually put our enmity aside to try and escape.

Logan: Gee, you people worked together? (Looks at Scott and exaggeratingly imitates his voice.) Apocalypse wants us to kill each other. (Laughing) Oh what an ass you are, Summers.

Scott (defensive): Hey, it was a spur of the moment suggestion. Yeah, you people are right, no one is stupid to put a team in a box and expect them to kill each other.

-

(Scene shows Apocalypse in Ship, listening to the conversation.)

Apocalypse (blushing slightly): Oh dear. (Puts on reading glasses, takes out a pen and a paper and starts making notes.)

-

(Back to the box)

Stryfe: We do not need to know who put us in here, we need to know how to get out.

Scott: But knowing the person who put us-

Logan (bent over laughing): Apocalypse put us in a box! BWAHAHAHA!!

Stryfe (holding off a grin): It seems your credibility has been somewhat undermined, daddy.

Scott (pained expression): Please don't call me 'daddy'. Coming from you, it makes me nauseous. (Looks at Logan, who is still laughing). I don't think it was that funny, but if it makes you people happy, I'll keep all my subsequent comments to myself.

Logan (stops laughing immediately, and straightens up.) Thank you, Summers.

Scott (aghast): What? You were faking?

Logan (grinning): You mean you still can't tell the difference even after all those years with Jean?

Stryfe: Okay, no fighting here. Stop it, both of you. (Looks at Scott and Logan, who are staring at each other, Scott looking a bit to the left of Logan, as his eyes are closed.)

(Logan and Scott ignore him.)

Stryfe (Lifts both of them up telekinetically.): Stop this right now! Figure out a way to get out of here!

Logan and Scott: ... ..Alright.

-

(Scene switches to Ship, where Apocalypse is staring at the screen.)

Apocalypse (thinking aloud): They have to fight! What do men fight over? Land? Hardly useful in a box. Food? The stupid box will nourish them until only one survives. What else? What else? Think! You are a man! Well, pretty much, anyway. Now, what do men want? (Pauses, eyes widen. Smiles, reaches for control panel.)

Apocalypse (broad smile on those fat lips): Women.

-

(Back to the box, again. Stryfe and Logan are arguing over how to escape, while Scott is sitting sullenly on the bed. Suddenly a shimmering appears in the center of the room. Then a woman appears.)

Logan (shocked): Who are you? How did you get here?

Stryfe: And did your clothes get left behind?

Scott: What's happening? I can't see!

-

(Back to Ship.)

Apocalypse: Hmmm Scott needs visors for this excellently contrived scheme to attain fruition. (Pauses.) What the hell am I saying? (Shakes his head and punches a few buttons.)

-

(In the box, Logan and Stryfe are looking nervously at the woman, who is standing in an alluring pose.)

Logan: Er, ah, why don't you cover up, d-darlin'? My-my heart belongs to someone else.

Stryfe (moving towards the woman): I have no such misfortune. Would you like to know me better?

Logan (grabs Stryfe by the headgear and jerks him back.): Actually, the woman that I thought I loved, loves someone else, so why don' we two find a nice corner and have a chat? (Approaches woman)

Stryfe (grabs Logan by neck and pushes him back): You might want to disbelieve whatever he says, ma'am, this man is wanted in thirteen states for lechery.

Logan (also pushing Stryfe back) (aside to Stryfe): There's no law for lechery you ass!

(Both men are struggling to halt the others' progress)

Stryfe (aside to Logan): Look at that face, my friend. It's devoid of any thought. I could sell her Ship, and she'd buy it. You should give up now, 'cause I'm more urbane then you are.

Logan (aside to Stryfe): Hell, I don't even know what the word means.

Stryfe (aside to Logan) (smiling): exactly. Now watch me sell her Ship.

-

(Scene switch to Ship)

(Apocalypse jerks up in chair, spitting out soda and scattering popcorn.)

Apocalypse: No, don't sell her Ship! It's mine! It's (pauses) ..Mine.. (Light bulb appears over head) ..Ohhhhhh..

(There is a pause while he looks at the screen, where Stryfe is telling the woman about the various features built into Ship)

Apocalypse: MINE! Smashes light bulb, popcorn and half of control panel.

Apocalypse (looks at damage): uh-oh.

-

(Back to the box)

(Scott feels something fall in lap. He gingerly touches it.)

Scott: Dog shit! Yuck! (Touches it again)

Scott: Oh, it's not dog shit, but it's something else I've touched before. (Feels it a bit more.) My visor! (Puts it on quickly)

Scott (facing wall and striking a heroic pose): OH YES!! Cheesy superhero music plays in back ground

Scott (turning around): Now I can see the woma-awaw

Logan: Put yer tongue back in yer face, bub, she's mine!

Stryfe (to woman): C'mon, just you and me on the Ship of your dreams, whaddaya say?

(Woman giggles moronically)

Pete (gets up, groaning.): What's the bloody racket for? My bloody head feels like- (sees woman)

Pete: Is Kitty here?

Scott: No.

Pete (to woman): So how you doin? (A la Joey from FRIENDS.) (Woman giggles moronically again.)

Scott: Her eyes are a bit higher up.

Pete: Mind yer own bloody business, arse-face.

(At this point Remy also get up.)

Remy (holding side of head): What's all de racket? What are you people arguin' abou-

(Remy sees woman)

Remy (empathy at full force): Too bad dere's other's in dis box, petit. Y' wan' I should get rid of dem? So we can be, y' know, alone?

(Woman nods moronically, still smiling)

Remy: Den watch a master at work, cherie.

Scott (to himself): My visor could not have gotten here the way Stryfe did. Someone must have sent it when I asked for it. Hmmm. A few calculated remarks might get the others out of here for good.

Scott (looking up): I know you can hear me, up there. Here's an idea for you.

-

(Ship)

Apocalypse (leaning forward, looking at a tiny Scott on the screen, and listening to his suggestion): Oh my, this could make my little experiment very interesting. I will add a modification of my own, however.

-

(The Box)

Remy: Hey Pete, y' know, Kitty said she'd be comin' here.

Pete (looking nervously over shoulder): She did? When?

Remy: When y' were out col', she said she would come t' get us.

Pete: Bloody interferin' woman, can't even leave me alone in a box. Doesn't trust me an inch. (Starts muttering to himself)

Remy: Y' _were_ plannin' t' cheat on her, right, Wisdom?

Pete (grabs Remy by collar and screams into his face): YES! AND SHE SHOULD BLOODY WELL TRUST ME ENOUGH TO THINK I WOULDN'T, AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

Remy: Er, jus' askin', mon ami. Um, I _really _shoul' be goin' now. (Hurriedly walks over to Logan and Stryfe)

Logan: Ya tell her one more time ya can present her Ship, and so help me I'll-

Stryfe: What, take out your claws and try to scratch me while I lift you to the roof and use your skull to make mosaic designs?

Logan: Yer pushin' it, Stryfe.

Stryfe: No, that isn't pushing it. Pushing it would be what I would do if you did not have that shitload of mental implants in your head. You know what I would make you do? I would make you blow Scott. In fact, I would mindwipe both of you, and have you live as a gay white couple in Harlem.

Remy (joining them): Hey, did you know that- (breaks off, looking at them staring with hatred at each other, oblivious to everything around them) –the earth was eaten two minutes ago by George Bush when he became a Super-Saiyen? (waits a second) Non? Well then, I should really go water my beagles. They look a little Droopy. (goes over to Scott, who seems to be talking to himself.)

Scott (looks up triumphantly just as Remy arrives): And done!

Remy: Que?

(Suddenly there is a shimmering in the box. It looks like there are figures standing, bathed in light.)

Remy: ô! Taureau Engrais! (approximately translates to 'Oh! Bullshit!')

Scott (as evil a smile as he can manage, which isn't evil at all): Ohhh, yesss..

(Rogue has appeared in the middle of the room, looking a little confused.)

Remy: Remy'd have enough problem seducing a girl wit' dis 'angover 'eadache he has, but who de fuck decided t' bring Rogue here?

Rogue: (sees Remy) Rem? What's goin' on- (sees naked girl)

Rogue (eyes narrowed, dangerously nice voice.): So, Remy, ya'll are havin' an orgy, an' ya didn't invite me? Ah'm hurt, Swamp Rat.

Remy (backing into corner): Non, non, non, petite, dere's nothin' goin' on here, see? Y' c'n ask de girl, nothin' happened here, Remy didn' do nothin'.

Rogue (advancing on Remy): Aw, noh, Remy. Ah don' need ta ask her. Ah believe ya.

Remy (still backing): Pure vérité, cherie, an' if y' ain' gonna ask de girl, Remy will. (to naked girl) Er, mademoiselle, did Remy do anyt'in' t' y'?

(girl smiles at him)

Remy (to girl, desperately): Mademoiselle, y' don' understan', I didn' do anyt'in' wit' y', or t' y', so could y' please tell my girl dis?

(girl smiles more, then goes and kisses Remy on the nose.)

Remy: Fuck.

Rogue: Come here Remy.

Remy: Aw pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease, don' do anytin' t' me, Rogue. Remy swear, he-

Rogue: What yer gonna get is what you deserve for havin' a hussy with her brains stuffed in her bra.

Remy: What bra?

Rogue: You shouldn't have said that.

(meanwhile, Kitty has also appeared in the room.)

Kitty: What happened? Where am I? (sees Pete) Pete? How did I get here?

Pete: The same bloody way I bloody well did, an' I dunno how I bloody well got here.

Kitty: Are you alright? (comes closer, smells his breath) Are you sober? (sees girl) Are you having a bachelor party?

Pete (cautiously): Believe me, luv, she got here the same way you did. She just popped outta bloody thin air!

Kitty: Indeed?

Pete: A pox on me mum's arse if I'm lyin'.

Kitty: I see you and Remy, the two most disreputable thugs I have ever known, in a room with a naked girl. You want me to think nice things about you?

Pete: Hey, there's also Logan, Scott and Rogue. They wouldn't come to a bachelor party.

Kitty: Nice try, but Rogue was with me when we appeared here. I'm guessing the others appeared at the same time we did.

Pete: Aha! Blaming me, when you were with Rogue at bloody four in the morning?

Kitty: It's eight now, you ass.

Pete: Damn, bloody watch must have bloody well stopped.

Kitty: And stop trying to change the subject, because I'm going to get you for this, Wisdom, right before I throw you out of my life forever. Before I begin, let me remind you that I've been trained by Wolverine.

Pete: Oh bloody hell.

(at this time, a third shimmering is taking place, and the girl, walking aimlessly, is right by Scott)

Scott: What the hey? I only asked for Kitty and Rogue.

(Jean appears, unfortunately looking right at Scott and the girl.)

Scott: Ack! Accumulated anteater absorbing assholes!

Jean (very, very pissed): SCOTT?

Scott: Er, er, um, where am I? I must have been sleepwalking. Jean? How did I get here?

Jean: I am not even going to point out my telepathic powers, or what they are telling me about you.

(Scott jumps in front of Jean, on his knees)

Scott (sobbing into Jeans skirt): I'm sorry Jean, I couldn't help it. I'm weakweakweak. (sniffles)

Jean: I can see you weren't thinking clearly, but why should I forgive you?

Scott: She was so distracting.

(Jean coolly examines the girl, who appears to be poking her nose, probably to see how far it will go in.)

Jean: I can admit she's slightly above average looking, but couldn't you see she has the IQ of a retarded cow?

Scott: Huh?

Jean: Men! (sees Rogue and Kitty.)

Jean: Kitty, Rogue, stop beating them up and come here. Scott, go to the other side, and take the other guys with you. I want all of you to face the wall, and if any of you even think about turning around to look at the girl, you'll have to deal with the three of us.

(Scott goes away, muttering to himself)

Jean (urgently): Now girls, we need to have a council of war.

Kitty: Did you see the girl? I almost cried when I thought of Pete being in a little room with her.

Rogue: She made me feel like a man. Ah mean, Ah'm not anywhere near that big, with push-ups or whatevah.

Jean (sniffs): She is exceptionally beautiful, but you would think men would look beyond physical attributes.

Kitty: She's like a goddess, and so innocent and pure.

Jean (firmly): We'll stop there, Kitty, you're starting to sound like one of _them_.

Rogue: What do we do now? Ah kind of believe Remy sayin' he didn't do anything, but Ah couldn' let him think he can get away with actually doin' something, an' ya'll know Remy's gonna do anythin' he can get away with.

Jean: We can't really let the men get away with this, but I don't think it's their fault, really. I mean, men were built that way. They don't think with their heads, they think with-

Kitty: The hairs on their chests?

Jean: I was thinking of another body part, but yeah, I guess, they think with the hairs on their chests.

Rogue: Hey, is that Stryfe, facin' the wall?

Jean: The headgear looks the same.

Rogue (calls out): Stryfe! What the hell are you doin' here?

Stryfe (turns, looking surprised): Er,

Rogue: Are you going ta kill the men folk?

Stryfe: Um, no.

Rogue: Pity. Come here then.

Kitty (whispers): What are you doing?

Rogue: We'll work with him.

Stryfe (comes up to them): Er, may I know why I have been called?

Rogue (to Jean): He's not this polite when yer fightin' him, is he?

Jean: Not by a long shot. (to Stryfe) are you working with the X-men right now?

Stryfe: Till we escape from the box, yes.

Jean: You people are trapped here? (turns to Rogue and Kitty) did you girls know that?

(Rogue and Kitty shake their heads, then all three start laughing)

Rogue: M-men!

Kitty: -can't get out of a box!

Jean: Even after seeing what idiots all of you can be, it seems we overestimated you.

Stryfe (insulted): Hey, I may be a hated and despised villain, but I think I speak for the whole of my gender when I say- (the rest of his sentence is drowned out in laughter)

Stryfe (sighs): Never mind. What did you call me for?

Rogue: We want you to work with us. Now here's what we want you to do.

-

(On board Ship)

Apocalypse: Gee, now this _is_ getting interesting. Too bad I can't pause while I get popcorn.

-

(the box, men's side)

Logan: You did this, didn't you, Summers. The idea of calling the girls could only have come from your diseased mind.

Remy: Hey, what are you bitchin' about, man, y' don' even have a girl.

Pete: Yeah, it's me and Lebeau that have bloody big bruises on us.

Stryfe: Why the hell did I not stay in the other box? (begins banging head against wall) Even Cable would be more tolerable then this dysfunctional group of drunken louts.

Logan: Aw, shut up, damage case.

Remy: It was y', right Scott? Y' were laughin' y'r dum'ass head off, weren' y'? Well look who's laughin' now. It ain' y'.

Pete: It ain't you either, so shut the bloody hell up.

Scott: I did call the girls, in a way. I correctly deduced that someone was watching us, and I told him that adding the girls would probably hasten his scheme. I only suggested that Rogue and Kitty come, not Jean. That was a gift by the guy watching us. He's pretty smart though.

Logan: That rules out Apocalypse completely.

Scott: How many times do you want me to say I was wrong?

Logan: As many times as you breathe?

-

(Back to Ship)

Apocalypse: You know, I think I was insulted. But I think I was complemented also. That cancels out, I guess, so I won't smash my fists in anger and crash Ship. And that will be good.

-

(back to the men's side of the Box, where Stryfe has just been called by Rogue)

Remy: Dey're up to no good. Remy c'n feel it in his bones.

Pete: An' on his bloody arse, where he was kicked eight or nine times.

Remy: Don' make me hurt you.

Scott: The last thing we need is infighting. That'll only further their agenda.

(The other three speak together: )

Pete: You called them, you bloody shit-head.

Logan: Yeah, you keep your hole clamped, ass-wipe.

Remy: Menteur! Incompétent! Bouffon! Fils de singe! Malheur!

(Silence, as the three men facing the wall try to stare angrily at each other without letting it look like they are trying to turn their heads to look at the girl)

Scott (muttering to himself): Whatever makes you stick together.


End file.
